Am I just at a stop sign....or a dead end?

So at what part of a decision can you tell if you've made a good one or a bad one? How do you determine if something is going to work or not? I'm battling with alot of things rightnow and one of them is wondering if I have again jumped into an idea or decision too soon without thinking about what could go wrong or the negatives of the situation.

I saw moving back to Chicago as a second chance. A chance to do right what I messed up on before, to try to make more of it than I did before. I'm here I guess to learn and grow. I saw everything falling into place....and overlooked the fact that maybe things wouldn't "fall into place" right away and rather "fall apart". See there's something about my life that makes things never go as planned...something always has to go haywire and crazy. I don't get this. This effects me in rediculous ways. When things happen my mind goes into fast foward and I do nothing but think about how I'm going to fix the current situation, what I could do and how what I do will pane out. It's troubling...because again whatever I do will not go as planned. I don't eat, I barely sleep until I feel as though I have things back under control. It doesn't matter how many people tell me, or how many times I tell myself that everything is going to be ok, my mind is still racing morning, noon and night. When my brain is in this constant motion, I find it hard to concentrate on much else. I don't want to go out, I don't want to hang out...I actually have almost no desire to want to do anything unless it seems like a step closer to eliminating my rollercoaster of thoughts or be enough to atleast make me stop thinking about them long enough to enjoy myself. But as we all know...the brain is powerful.

I really don't know why I just now decided to spill all of this on this blog, after weeks of not typing a word (sorry Brandon), but at this point I feel as though talking it over with friends or family is just uneccessary repeatition. I feel myself reaching out to people, for them to hear me, give me a kind word (because really it's the only thing that really keeps me going, I call my mother everyday for that very reason) give me that sense of drive. It's great to know there's someone in your corner.

I mean don't know what's going on with me right now...with my life, with my situation, but I am deperately trying to find my way in this world. DESPERATELY!....and I keep making wrong turns....I'm just hoping I'm not going to have to end up making a U-turn....again!

Keep your fingers crossed for me! And as for me, I'm going to try to keep pressing my mental stop button, everytime my mind slips into fast foward.